Ego or the voice of God?

             I love my job: the contact with  death; the stitching and casting and making right again; the impossibly self-sabotaging patients that can be like an exaggerated mirror and steer me back to a higher road.

      As  medical students, doctors are all fascinated by schizophrenics and manic depressives.  The more sure of their delusions, the more fascinating they are.  The more sure of the voice of god, the more the schizophrenic demands the examiner to be honest and doubt his own belief that humanity has a soul that can perceive truth beyond self.  The more convicted of  outrageous acts, the more   the manic depressive demands that the examiner doubt his own sense of courage and adventure.

      I have met many psychotic people.  I recall a man who drove his transport truck from Trois Rivieres to Ottawa at more than full speed, galloping recklessly among cars until he was picked up by the police. He was incredulous at the police.  He assured the police that Jesus had sent angels to guide his truck and that no harm could come.  He knew this.

      I remember a schizophrenic who was repeatedly charged with minor sexual advances on women.  He called 911 and met the ambulance attendant with his severed penis in his hand.  God had told him to cut it off. (That is when the attendants in Ottawa all routinely began to wear gloves for every call - go figure)

      One of the physicians in my medical school was manic depressive.  Usually in good control.  His wife went to Florida on holiday and when she returned he had sold the house and declared how exciting their life was about to become, that he was about to quit work and they would  travel and enjoy the money and he was certain a man with his genius would land a job immediately that they ran out of means.  Apparently she was not as keen on living with no security and reasonable plan.

      So how to discern the voice of God from psychosis? That is one question about the voice of God.

      Just as pressing, is another question. How to discern the voice of God from self-serving ego?  God is a favoured reference quoted by self-serving ego.  And this is blasphemy. Using religious language to shroud goals not originating in God.  The most vile lack of integrity.  Not only putting one's own ego before God, but in using the language of God, often beguiling those who also seek Him.  We are repulsed by priests who abuse children for their sexual desires and wear embroidered robes in front of the altar.  We recoil from religious wars when God's name is used variably by one side or the other to justify killing and claiming of resources.

      The second commandment: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.  Thou shalt not use God's name to justify what you have done to further your own self interest.  Blasphemy. 

      The voice of God from psychosis.  The voice of God from self-interest.

      Inner delusion.  I have had to ask myself about the voice of God often enough in my life.  My near death experience in Africa I rarely shared until I was 40.  I knew people would assume me deranged and I was right.  As a resident I told a Neurologist and he explained the logic of the whole thing, that there are neurological pathways wired into all humans so that as we approach death these fire off and we have these fantastic experiences with remarkable similarity.  A psychiatrist colleague,  is of similar opinion although, interestingly, he sparks up when he talks of his own near drowning experience as a child.  His uncle fished him out at the last minute.  He was above the water, looking down, and had a visual perspective not possible from below the water.  He delights in this, remarks on it and then dismisses it.

      I have had to question the voice of God in my visions.  Though, these are the least problematic for me.  They never pad my own ego.  They never advance my own cause.  They never grant me information that I can use against anyone and certainly not for myself.  They may allow me to commune with others although I have never consciously tried to use them in this way.   They are never destructive to me nor to anyone else. They never tell me what to do.  They simply give me information about strangers that I could not possibly have otherwise known.  Something deep and intrinsic to the very soul of that person.  They assure me of a connection to others which must pass through a universe of knowing and communion bigger than both the other and myself.  And so they assure me of the presence of God.  I consider them a gift of God to help me feel his presence, to help me with my own doubt .  But I don't see what they do for anyone else, nor even for God himself.

      This topic of the voice of God vs. ego, of love vs. illusion, comes up in this writing because at times of crossroads involving emotional distress, I am not certain I discern well at all.  Instead, I am buffeted by ego, desire, guilt, fear, and self-sabotage.  When I need most to discern, discernment is most elusive.

      My visions:  "They may allow me to commune with others although I have never consciously tried to use them in this way."  Well now…am I sure?  I interpreted one vision as an opening of the universe itself, to embrace communion with a specific person.  Was this God or my own ego?

      The voice of God vs. ego.  The voice of God vs. fantasy.  The voice of God vs. mental illness.  The voice of God vs. desire.  The voice of God vs. manipulation of another for ones own needs.  This is an honest search .