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heartbreak
May 2009 
What have you learned from having your heart broken?
ruth
For many decades I believed that loss and sorrow and brokenness are the way we learn empathy and compassion for others. I also believed that a broken heart could make us stronger as we work through the pain and allow a phoenix to rise from the ashes.
I still believe these things to a point. I believe our sorrows make us more empathetic toward others. But I also now believe that I have a breaking point beyond which I cannot recover and I know I have been close to that breaking point for a year.
There is such a thing as 'post traumatic stress disorder' in many forms. And repetitive loss of those we love deeply is one way to experience this constellation of uncomfortable internal background noise: nothing seems sure or dependable; something bad is always just about to happen; I must not be worthy of a sense of safety or home; love felt within myself or expressed toward me must not be real; I might not be real.
For the most part, I had a loving dependable childhood and young adulthood.
But the past 15 years have been a series of repetitive losses and over the past year I have had to come to accept that finally after 15 years of repetitive losses, I am more than 'broken', I am in fact forever changed in my ability to experience anything in life as real or sure or trustworthy or loving toward me.
It is my observing mind that sees this.
My intellect can rise above it.
But I 'see' my own brokenness now as largely not able to recover.
Access: Public
I remember writing in my journal that art was my only true lover, the only one I could depend on, that was there for me when it seemed everything else ran in the other direction at the mere sight of me.
I like to think the universe listens even if no one else seems to be, and I think we get answers too but they are not always the answers we had hoped for.
I agree with you that you can not depend on people, which to me is kind of a relief because I can not be depended on either. In one way or another I have failed everyone I ever loved. Maybe not in big ways, but in little everyday ways.
I don't know where this idea comes from but it seems like many of us carry around this hope that there is something out there, some man, some woman, some thing that when they/it arrive in our life everything will be OK. Yes, I know, and I don't believe it either but the hope is still in there waiting.
Wish I had the answer, but I do have a hug.
I too send you a hug ~HUG~
Art is your true lover.
Perhaps when we express our creativity we become the creative force in the universe and so as we extend ourselves in this way the universe itself becomes more.
I think you have something there Ruth. Have you noticed that when you are broken that you are also opened?
Joseph Beuys Statement:
“Creativity isn't the monopoly of artists. This is the crucial fact I've come to realise, and this broader concept of creativity is my concept of art. When I say everybody is an artist, I mean everybody can determine the content of life in his particular sphere, whether in painting, music, engineering, caring for the sick, the economy or whatever. All around us the fundamentals of life are crying out to be shaped or created. But our idea of culture is severely restricted because we've always applied it to art. The dilemma of museums and other cultural institutions stems from the fact that culture is such an isolated field, and that art is even more isolated: an ivory tower in the field of culture surrounded first by the whole complex of culture and education, and then by the media which are also part of culture. We have a restricted idea of culture which debases everything; and it is the debased concept of art that has forced museums into their present weak and isolated position. Our concept of art must be universal and have the interdisciplinary nature of a university, and there must be a university department with a new concept of art and science”.
I used to find that brokenness brought openness. The past year..hmmm… just too much brokenness and sometimes I feel that 'if just one more thing happens I will cave'. Just hanging on for dear life too much of the time.
Mind you, the one place of creativity and openness that NEVER fails me is the ER. Because I suppose that is where my most delelopped skills are: creative, technical, compassion. And brokenness in myself is always an asset there. And called into action there: in this I am blessed, the clear need of human brokenness all around me so blatant that I respond without conscious effort.
Well… I suppose the same is true with my sons. But they are overall well beings.
And I thank both of you for the ehugs. :)
As you know, I have experienced deep losses in this “dog and pony show” called “Catherine's Life.” If a loss - one loss - happens, it's hard, but perhaps easier to put into perspective. But when they come in multiples, or they come one after another before one has a chance to “process” them, then it can feel like you're broken and that's it. I often wonder why I keep bouncing back. That's not to say I walk around with a “Pollyanna-ish” point of view. A lot of the time I become keenly aware of the losses in my life, and get negative or pessimistic - but then I find that kind of energy undermines me so much, that I have to look for the “diamond in the pig-shit.” It's messy business, and I hate digging deep and trying to see something - anything - positive about loss or abandonment or illness. But, over time, I find it. It's perhaps sounds wildly naive or cliche to say, “Everything happens for a reason.” It's hard to fathom what “the reason” is for some of the horrific tragedies people befall - but it can always be found. Always. An e-hug to you too, Christine.
:)
TY