Peace.  I recall in 1995 with 4 children under the age of 6 and a full time shift work job and extreme sleep deprivation that I often smiled and said out loud "the only peace there is, is inner peace". And I had lots of that.  It was left over from my childhood young adulthood and there was lots to spare. No matter the frenetic pace and tantrums and bouyant exhuberance all around 24 on 24, 365 on 365. Inner peace.
And then the peace all disappeared. I spent much of the next decade battling inner belief that I deserve nothing, battling worthlessness out of fear in case being overcome with worthlessness I would not be able to support my family financially and uphold their needs emotionally.  I tried so hard to be a good person.  But I was so often given to believe that I was a bad person.
 I guess I had peace again for a large portion of 2006 because I believed the life I was living was forgiving and forgiven and good for my children, my family, my community, my best friend, those I loved and who loved me.  And then suddenly those I loved most said the way I was living was not good for them at all and everything must change again.  Since then, the whole universe has an unreality about it.  As if either the universe is not real, or I am unable to percieve reality and live in reality.  I am no longer sure if people mean what they say, or if the cues I am picking up are real or am I incapable of real perception?
So for me, to have peace again, I think I would have to believe that I can percieve reliably.
 Everyday I am ashamed of myself for feeling not the inner peace of my first 35 years, but too much of the self sorrow of the past 13 years, and especially of the past 1.5 years.
Peace eh?
Hmmm..... someone push me in the right direction please  :)
Forgiving/forgiveness seemed the right way before and I sure thought it was working.  But apparently it was not real.  So I am still lost looking for peace, joy, love.
And then I am ashamed of myself for not appreciating enough the kind of care and support accidentally captured on the attached video taken June 2008 when I was stalking a still photo and the subject did not know the video was running.
Ashamed of myself for posting the video too... because it so clearly illustrates what a sulking  selfish ego I am.

I believe that when it comes to teenage boys, as long as you are providing food in any form, you will never be lonely.
For instance, the video and attached pic were my company at lunch today.
Nic was on leave from his summer job at a camp in Quebec where he is doing more physical labour than he has ever done in his life.  He says he has come to the place in life where there is virtually nothing he will not eat.
The others doubt it still, and suggested hagis, marmite and sea cucumber as not worthy of even an 18 year old male's list.
Myself, I eat little anymore.  We always say grace.

My caloric intake pales in comparison to that of the company I keep/feed
:)
All I can do is say grace and be thankful for food and the Kingdom

Does plastic surgery count?
What about vicarious transformation through my kids?  Cause the three younger ones got Baptised yesterday.  So there ya go.  Now all of my kids are Baptised!  So when we die we can all meet up again floating about on clouds, playing harps and singing praise to Creation for ever.  :)
The whole family has been transformed.  

At the end of the day most zaadsters surveyed responded: whirled peas

Being sucked in by the computer industry.
Having too many household computers (basically one per household member) which continuously need maintenance.
Forever running off to FS, being promised big things, breakdown, more trips to FS, more glitches in the operating system, slow response times....
feeling like too much of life is computer maintenance and I am not adequate to keep up.

My fantasy is:  a household computer is a keyboard and a monitor and a printer and a scanner and maybe a set of USB flash drives on a keychain.  You store your stuff either on the USB flashdrives which are small and portable, or simply on your multiple gmail (or other free email services) addresses which you use like 'files' for storage in cyberspace. You pay a fee which is actually a MAINTENANCE contract and includes the hardware which is supplied by the company to whom you pay the maintenance contract.  Different rates are for different response times in service.  

I tried a smaller independent local computer store instead of FS for two years.  It was worse.  They put together a custom machine and when it was spending too much of its time in the shop also, they could not simply replace it,( like FS eventually does once a system has gone in for major repair 3 times within the warranty period), likely because they do not have the same profit margin to just ditch dud machines.