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May 2009 
How do you respond to negative people?
Posted on Aug 4th, 2008
by 
ruth
ruth
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for August 04, 2008:
Generally with compassion except in the case where the negative being is intimately tied to my ego identity. ie. a family member who I rely on to love or to love me. Then I fall into the pitfall of feeling frantic that I am somehow responsible to make them feel OK about life, themselves and I go overboard to nurture any positive flicker in them I can see and bend over backward to be a source of healing for them.
Often in retrospect, concerning family, I should have simply told them to quit trying to bring the whole world into their painparty and that I need a break and will be delighted to be with them again when they lighten up (whether that be a second, a week or a year)
My greatest challenge though is when the fact is that I AM responsible eg as in the case of my adolescent going through a negative phase. Unfortunately then I DO have to assist them get out of bed, engage in school, learn social graces. DAMN!!! This parenting thing has its tough moments.
Anyone have any books to read on negative 13 year olds (youngest of 4 boys the older three bigger, stronger and he thinks, more succesful)?
Often in retrospect, concerning family, I should have simply told them to quit trying to bring the whole world into their painparty and that I need a break and will be delighted to be with them again when they lighten up (whether that be a second, a week or a year)
My greatest challenge though is when the fact is that I AM responsible eg as in the case of my adolescent going through a negative phase. Unfortunately then I DO have to assist them get out of bed, engage in school, learn social graces. DAMN!!! This parenting thing has its tough moments.
Anyone have any books to read on negative 13 year olds (youngest of 4 boys the older three bigger, stronger and he thinks, more succesful)?
Access: Public
“DAMN!!! This parenting thing has its tough moments.”
Yup!
I have no book recommendations and no advice either….maybe I shouldn't even post a comment but I wanted you to know I find it hard at times too.
16 to 19 was pretty intense with my oldest,camping fishing and movies,it didn't change his attitude but at least we had some moments of relief and rhythmic breathing.
He's 24 now and brings me flowers,and babysits from time to time,gone is that strange friction/tension and in it's place just us.
Got any books to recommend on raising 3 and five year olds :-)
I hear you!
The greatest challenge with my 13 year old is getting him off his butt.
Once he is out doing stuff and away from technology, he is a bright and positive person
But the hassle of getting him kick started can derail all other things and some days in the interest of paying bills and doing laundry, it just is not worth the energy to get him engaged in life…. sigh…
My older 3 are 17 to 19 and pretty much passed through the negative stage. I think though parenting was easier with 3 boys all the same peer group because they kind of called one another to task on regressive behaviour. When anyone of them had an overly neg moment, one of the others would roll their eyes and exclaim to his brother, “you are such a whiny baby”. It kind of made parenting easy.
The problem for the 13 year old is that he has no peer within the household and is a kind of minnow among whales when it comes to perceived poise and power. His only recourse is regression because he cannot out-mature or out-finesse.
As for 3 and 5 year olds: all I know is what I did. I gave up on neatness, gave up on order and just played and played and played and left the doors open to all friends, all welcome at dinner and sleep overs. Now I have legions of teens who come and go and treat me as a person in my own right with whom they have a real relationship, quite apart from being any particular friend of my older 3. Community.
But my 13 year old preceives himself as slightly out of step with the rest of the household and community.
I think anyway
:)
I like the play part. It's just such a relief to play.
The other life..bills and work and cleaning and etc…if I'm tired I don't engage as well.
My brothers were so much older than me I always felt just a tad bit out of loop or just loopy ;-) It was fun too though they knew so much and were/are pretty cool. My parents did good too,like you our house was open to friends and I always felt comfortable there…just young sometimes :-)
Ruth you sound amazing,made obvious by the fact that your open door philosophy has cultivated these wonderful relationships with your children and their friends.
My friend with the twins has, “Have a New Kid by Friday” by Dr. Kevin Lehman. I even bought a copy for dealing with co-workers, and it works!
Ugh, no peer for the 13 year-old. I was the third child, also known as The Lost Child with only older sisters and a much younger brother. I can identify with this. Check out The Lost Child or 3rd Child and there is lots out there. Besides tons of love, praise, patience and outright laughter. I like that you gave up on order and neatness! Like the Klingons and Microsoft say, “Resistance is futile!!”
I'll order it today :)
I have to go to the neighbourhood book store just now anyway. The “Bridge Across Forever” by somebody Bach, suggested to me last week by a gaia member, just arrived.
Then an ER shift for the evening, Trauma
:)
Sorry I'm joining this discussion a bit after the fact - in the summer I “morph” into a camp counselor / chauffeur. This dovetails with other writing you've done about compassion. This particular sentence resonated with me from this post,
“concerning family, I should have simply told them to quit trying to bring the whole world into their painparty and that I need a break and will be delighted to be with them again when they lighten up”
My brother's current divorce comes to mind - big time. The problem occurs when we try to distance ourselves from the “painparty” and the person who is “trying to bring the whole world into it” sees that as disloyal. At first, his opinion concerned me, but after a while self-preservation won over worrying about that… .
As for your thirteen year-old, someone told me once that the odd-numbered years were the most difficult. I don't know whether that's true or not, because the last time my son was “easy” was back a few days after he was born, and was sleeping off the effects of a 19 hour-long labour… . I've been using my labour-breathing ever since. :-)
OH NO!!
It is too late then!
If you are correct, the reason my older 3 are easier is that I have looooong painful labours.
Whereas with my 4th I decided NOT to and presented to the maternity ward earlish and said “I want my epidural and I want it now”.
She said, “Is this your first child?”
I said, “No, my 4th”
She said, “Oh! Do you have precipitous labours?”
I said, “No very LONG labours and that is why I want my epidural and I want it now”
And they complied
So that explains everything Otter?
OH NO!!!!
PS. I will keep your inner peace with your brother in my prayers.
:)